I worried so much about doing “what was right”. Then I realized, the world owes me just as much as I owe it. I know it sounds irresponsible and crude, but sometimes you have to swallow some honor and let yourself make drastic decisions, to save yourself.
I think to myself every time you’re busy with the road ahead, staring outside my window, how long I’ve waited to be in a place like this, stroking your hair in serene comfortable silence. I’ve waited a long time.
I’m taking a philosophy class this summer. Naturally, everyone is supposed to leave every class enlightened, I get that. But, I feel like the stuff we read and learn drags me into this emotionally dense distress in terms of many things, spirituality especially. I just want to be the best, objective person I can be. I want to be on the side of logic and reason, but I want to be a believer in the beauty of being spiritually faithful. I know I don’t want to be a hypocrite, though we all are. I guess that’s what’s more important. The desire to be a better person. The journey to get there. The mistakes, or sins, or mal-practices that are supposed to happen. But we can’t just look at things these negative things as inevitable parts of life. We should want to not do bad, and if we fall into it, we’re supposed to hate ourselves, but then regret and forgive. That’s internal growth right there. I’m also going really mad right now. I’m anxiously searching for real. Realness. That grasp on something that has that value, significance, brilliance, geniunity, in everything.